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  • Renee LaVallee McKenna,MA

Willing to Suck in 2020


My New Years resolution is that I am willing to suck in 2020.


I’ve done some really challenging things in 2019. I finished writing my first book, Allies & Demons: Working With Spirit For Power And Healing. I’ve been learning all these new digital tools to produce the book and to promote my work. I’m working with a voice coach to learn better narration for my audio book. Branding, social media, podcasting, webinars, on line courses - I’m outside my comfort zone more than I’m in it these days. So, my theme for myself has become - I need to be willing to suck in order to be able to be good at something.


With the right attitude, it can be freeing and fun to be willing to suck. Irreverence helps, but I tend to be an overachiever just to feel average. Settling for mediocrity can be excruciating. But, every challenge is a growth opportunity and being willing to be bad at something makes a lot of room to just be human, learn and maybe even enjoy the process.


The new year is flooded with ideas and programs about living deliberately. So much talk about intentions, goals and visions. I’m a big fan of intention setting. In fact, I'm hosting a Goals, Intentions & Visions workshop on Saturday, January 25 from 11-6 in San Francisco. If you're interested you can look on my website@reneemckenna.com. There will be a year long private Facebook group to support attendees throughout 2020.


However, all the focus on goals can reinforce the idea that we are “human doings” rather than human beings.


We are constantly pulled away from our deeper truth by external and material expectations. Life really is a journey, not a destination. I've had to remind myself of the journey element every day lately. Because I have all these goals and deadlines for my book, it’s easy to only focus on my to do list and miss the moment.

All my actions are future focused. Finish the book. Put it on Amazon. Post next weeks social media. Set up your calendar for the year. It’s feels like happiness and success are out in the future someplace and my actions in the present are only in service of some future fantasy of fulfillment. It’s SO easy to fall into the future thinking mindset and miss today.


The thinking goes, ”When this gets done I’ll feel this way” and “When I have that then such and such will happen.” These “whens” are always in the future. The future never comes. It’s always now. Even when I do achieve a goal, it only rolls into another thing on an endless to do list.


I need constant reminding that the only real moment is right now. Life is happening in real time. This is not a dress rehearsal. All the focus on productivity can end up with life becoming a massive checklist.


I had a client say recently, “I have this huge list in my head all the time. All the stuff I need to get done. It’s relentless. I think the final item on the list is dying.” It’s so easy to get caught on an empty treadmill of productivity and achieving externals. We get disconnected from our internal life and feel stuck or trapped in a life process that doesn’t feed or fulfill us. We become human doings rather than human beings.


I like to think about how we do things as opposed to what we do. When we live from our authentic selves, when we make choices from our deepest selves we make room for the unexpected to happen and the details will take care of themselves. But this takes trust in the Universe and belief that who we really are and what we really want matters.

We are all part of this is much larger system. Yet, we often feel disconnected and isolated. I know I do. This disconnect from Source is a spiritual issue and it causes a lot of suffering. We really are children of God, children of the Earth. The earth is hugging us to her right now with gravity. There are forces that are spinning world world and the entire universe and every eco system points to an amazing intelligence underneath it all. We’re part of a system, a web of life, even if we are unconscious of it.


But what happens when we become conscious? What happens when we align ourselves and our intentions with the larger System. I’m not talking about human systems necessarily. How do we align with Universal Flow, with the God or Goddess of our own misunderstanding?


The more we can trust that we are exactly how we are supposed to be and bring our authentic self into the world, the more fully we are in the flow of life. We are each a unique creation, a brilliant, broken, quirky individual. Each individual person is exactly how they are supposed to be.


Living authentically is not easy. We need to be willing to put ourselves out there. We need to be willing to try new things if we want a new experience. If we do what we always did, we will get what we always got. We may need to be willing to suck in order to get better. This forces us to ask for help and we may meet some amazing people along the way. I know I have.


Being willing to suck has forced me to ask for help in ways I wouldn’t if I was competent and knowledgeable. Being ignorant and teachable has provided all these new connections with amazing, talented and generous people. Life is generous if we open to receive what the journey has to offer. It’s not only OK to suck in 2020, maybe it’s perfect. Perfectly imperfect.


I wish you perfect imperfection this year. Be who you are. Gather the gonads to share yourself with others and great events may come to pass as you put down the to do list and receive what Life wants to offer you right now.

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3131 Rivera St.

San Francisco, CA